Soliloqui

[From: LiveJournal]

Current mood: depressed

sometimes i wonder how a person can feel so much and have no recollection what the feeling is. it’s as if there is no distinguishing feature to call it happy, sad, mad. it goes too deep for that. no matter how hard i try, feeling can never be put down in writing. even the best writer in the world, in any language, could not convey a strong enough sense than if we were able to live in each other’s minds.
i really don’t know what i feel right now, a combination of nostalgic longing, regret, yearning for something i don’t even know if i want, envy, happiness?, anger at myself, basically wishing i could end this charade right here right now. and i know i don’t have the courage to do that.
i think i’m getting better at trying to express what i feel. a year ago, when i needed to express, i could not find the words and they all came out confused and not making sense. i realized that writing may be my calling. with nowhere to turn, i do not turn to people. i turn to paper and pen. or in this technological era, i turn to my laptop: my notepad, my xanga, my livejournal.
sometimes i wonder why music has such a profound effect on moods. is it because music has rhythm, tune, lyrics? hmm.

[From: LiveJournal]

Current mood: geeky
Current music: jay chou - her eyelashes

for the past few days, i’ve been thinking of the things to write in my livejournal. i have all these thoughts floating around, ultimately forgetting every “cool” thing i wanted to talk about. i DO remember two things i wanted to talk about: the weather and maine.

the weather is so messed up! a few days ago it was freakin cold and yesterday it was shooting up to the 80s and 90s. today, it was also very hot. then, in the afternoon, flash thunderstorms all over! it was raining hailstones…hailstones in the middle of spring -_-; i blame it all on global warming! and on the factories that caused it! damn them..

memorial weekend–MAINE! while in minneapolis i realized that i LOVE traveling, it doesn’t even matter where, as long as it’s off the island. i love going to new places =] well maine isnt really that new. the first time i went to portland, maine was in ‘98. then the next summer we went to acadia national park and bar harbor in maine. in ‘00 we went to the same place. my best travel memories are in maine, and i havent been there in FOUR YEARS! the reason we stopped going-taiwan and the car driving. it’s a 10 hour drive one way no traffic, and my dad said we would go again after we got new car. last year, we got a new car. this year, we’re going again! i’m so happy =]
highlights:
‘98-portland,maine - ferry trip, lobster
‘99-acadia & bar harbor, maine - 2.5 hour hike around jordan pond
‘00-acadia & bar harbor, maine - 36 mile bike trail
this trip better surpass all my expectations 0=]

QUOTE
“People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, alterior motives; be kind anyway. If you are successful, you will win some false friends and true enemies; succeed anyway. If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; be honest anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; be happy anyway. The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; give the world the best you’ve got anyway. You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; it was never between you and them anyway.”
why don’t you just think about that for a while. i wish i could live by that. it takes a lot of self-control to not beat the living shit out of people who accuse you of selfish alterior motives, people who cheat you, people who don’t remember good deeds. GAH WHAT HAS THE WORLD COME TO.

school update>>
still officially sucks. i can’t keep from sleeping in bio. maybe the course in the reproduction system will wake me up..haha jk ;]
school is cool for people who have social lives. now i’m just waiting for college so i can start anew..lol

damn, i gotta go to sleep earlier, the last two nights i went to sleep at 11:30pm, which is an improvement. i think i’ll go with 11 tonight =]

silent-mistCOM update>>
if i had any talent in either graphic designing, fanart, or fanfiction, it might have been the inception of something successful..ah well

right when i click “update journal” i’m gonna think of something more to say -_-;

[From: LiveJournal]

Current mood: contemplative
Current music: autumn in my heart - reason

i really gotta be more spontaneous. i can predict what’s going to happen this week without utilizing my psychic abilities. i wanna go out, watch a movie, go to a party, SOMETHING DIFFERENT so i can actually say “omg i wanna write about this” but right now i have nothing to write about. it’s really sad. i’m really not motivated to. i feel like im losing because when i look back i’ll go “WHAT HAPPENED THAT LAST WEEK IN APRIL! I DIDN’T WRITE ABOUT IT ON THE INTERNET!”
monday - friday is school and hw
saturday is tutor
sunday is church & chinese school
my mom asks me why i don’t go out anymore -_-;
it must be because i have no friends. it’s so hard for me to make friends. i don’t know whyyyyy. people think that i’m not shy because i’m really outgoing with people i already know. but i’m just so shy around people i don’t know or people i only know a little bit. the little amount of people that are my “friends” are people who initiated. i don’t think i have ever initiated a friendship. i don’t think i’m friends with any shy people

two songs i’m loving
seether ft. amy lee - broken
staind - so far away
they’re both on the soundtrack from the movie the punisher

this song is really sad
pearl jam - last kiss
i’ve known for years already and i was so sad cause i didn’t know what it was called. but i found out :]

Sometimes when i see stranger’s babies, i wonder about what kind of people they will grow up to be. it’s really interesting, cuz you could be looking at a potential serial killer or the discoverer of an AIDS vaccine. and you will never find out if you have met that person before. weird huh?

I think this year i’ve been pretty good at keeping my depression at the bare minimum. there are just sometimes when i just go down pretty low. there are also triggers, like something supernaturally beautiful, sad songs. i’m more realistic now than before, which is good. what point is there being depressed over nothing?

party at aunty tai’s house again! i love her house so much! it’s like 10 times the size of my house and it’s by the ocean. the whole back of the house facing the ocean is all windows. the view of the sunset over the water was beautiful. after it set i just kept staring at the ocean forever. the ocean is pretty depressing, i think. it makes me feel so small and lonely. but i just couldn’t help but stare at it forever. the ocean is so entrancing…
anyways, after i stared at the ocean forever, we all went to the movies and saw mean girls (dragged the unwilling boys into it as well). it was a pretty good movie. it was funny and could have been rated R with all the cursing. the only way they kept it at pg 13 was by creating the illusion that the f word was being used. the girl was eating this caltein bar and she went mother fwooooo! that fwooooo was when she spit it out. haha clever. there were also other times when they made it seem like they were using a bad word. when they were giving an overview of the tables in the high school lunchroom, i was surprised they have a “cool asians” table. i don’t think white people usually think that asians can have a “cool” sect. but yea, that’s changing, obvious because of those stupid gangster wannabes. all the asians were vietnamese though. they were like cursing in vietnamese, as evidence of the subtitles.

YAY I FINALLY GOT TSUBASA RESERVOIR CHRONICLE!

www.silent-mist.com