Soliloqui

we belong together,
like the open seas and shores,
wedded by the planet force,
we’ve all been spoken for
what good is a life, with no one to share,
the light of the moon, the honor of a swear.
we can try to live the way in which you speak,
taste the milk of your mother earth’s love,
spread the word of consciousness you see,
we are everything we need
- Gavin DeGraw

I’m not happy at college. I wonder if this is a common thing that people go through in the beginning. It’s a transition thing, right? Everyone around me always seems so happy, it’s hard for me to think that this holds true for them. The fact of the matter is I shouldn’t be unhappy. I have no right to be unhappy. There are so many things going for me that it would be completely retarded of me to think that I have it rough. But I just can’t shake this unsettling feeling within me. It hurts because I feel like everything that makes me upset is my fault. When you have control of everything, you also hold the responsibility and the blame.
I’m so weak and selfish. And here I am whining about it instead of doing something about it. But what am I supposed to do? Why are people so sure of themselves?
Even though I may sound immature, I miss high school. Not necessarily school itself, but the environment that shaped my daily life. I should have known how good I had it then. My life was so stable, my friends always there, steadfast and unchanging. I know that when people look back in nostalgia they tend to pass by the not-so-good moments. I know there were still troubles back then. But that doesn’t diminish my pain of missing it. There was a sort of resigned comfort there in the presence of people who have known you since those middle school days. I suppose this is what is sustaining that dull ache in my heart, a yearning for the simple. It is said that the people you meet in college become your lifelong friends. I know that everything in college happens faster because so much more time is devoted to social interactions. But however way you slice it, four years is still four years. Knowing someone for 7 years in childhood versus 4 years in college makes a difference to me. I like the idea of knowing people’s histories, who they were before. Things are so different now.
Anyhow, I should be sleeping now. Whatever happened to 9.25 hours for optimal performance?