Soliloqui

I never thought the season of summer could be so depressing. It’s been three weeks since I left my lovely Ithacan bubble of Cornell, and I have been and still am unhappily unemployed, feeling like I am slowly wasting away in this suburban loveliness that surrounds me. Yes, it’s my fault that I didn’t start earlier to look for a job. Yes, it’s my fault my resume is still not in any condition for human eyes to set their sights on. Every day I wake up at noon, wondering when my sleep debt will finally be paid off and I’ll start waking up at 7, or at least 10 am, naturally. It is so pathetic how all the things I think of doing so that my summer isn’t totally waste don’t adequately equal up to much. For example, I decided (not in this particular order, and not simultaneously, though my summer might turn into a mush of all of these half-assed attempts to be ‘productive’):
1. Oh, I’ll apply to scholarships! That way I can make money without getting a job! (I applied to one, which only required me to copy and paste my college application essay from last year..I’m so hard-working)
2. Oh, I’ll teach myself electric guitar (this is killing two birds with one stone, so that I won’t feel like my parents buying me an electric guitar was a waste either…and I still only know the same 6 chords I’ve been playing since I got this guitar when I was like 15?…And I can only play one strumming pattern over and over again)
3. Oh, I’ll pick up songwriting! (Anything that has to do with writing I have attempted and continually failed because I can’t finish these idealistic pieces that I start)
4. Oh I’ll teach myself chemistry! (I’m taking it next fall and this seems like a good way to ensure that I won’t completely fail it and make my gpa go any lower than it possibly can…I just borrowed a chem textbook and an Barron’s AP chem review book from the library today so we’ll see how that goes)
5. I’ll renovate my room! (This is one of those things people do when they need to get their mind off of something, like Carrie from Sex and the City redoing her kitchen when she’s upset with her relationship with Mr. Big, but for me I’m doing it to get my mind off of the fact that I am still wasting away my summer whether or not I renovate my room, especially when I only stay in it for a max of 3 months a year)
I don’t know what to do with myself. I am not only wasting my own summer, but I am practically wasting the air in the world by being so ridiculously unproductive.
I’ve pretty much given up on finding a job. If I hear another “Oh, we don’t usually hire just for the summer but we’ll definitely keep your application just in case” I will gouge my ears with sharpened number 2 pencils.
I’m so sad. And I do it to myself.