Soliloqui

It’s so cold here
Never felt the chill before
My walls were never thin
Opened the doors and windows
to let you in

The empty draft lingers
Should have locked up tighter
not let the curtains blow in the wind

I wanted to be like Juliet
but you said Juliet’s dead
“Don’t bleed for me”

I thought I was so strong
Thought it wouldn’t be too long
before I could smile on my own

Why’d I trade in sundresses for corsets?
I still love running in the rain
Someone come dry me off, though
Catch me, if I’m too free I’ll fall

**

Remember that smile?
So sweet in the sun
Rays shone in your eyes
Grass was greener on this side

Dandelions drifted away
You sneezed into the spring wind
Weeds sprung from where the sidewalk ends
Cicadas chattered under passing clouds

These are all mine yet so far from me
Ended too soon before I could see
The sun had set and I missed the glow
Snow fell and I didn’t know

Stay for a while
I promise I’ll be good
I miss the gold
Don’t wanna grow old

Just give me dawn
I promise I’ll move on

It’s almost like you had it planned
It’s like you smiled and shook my hand and said
“Hey, I’m about to screw you over, big time”

It’s how you wanted it to be
It’s like you played a joke on me
And I lost a friend in the end
And I think that I cried for days
But now that seems light years away
And I’m never going back
To who I was

- MoZella

Sometimes I feel like it’s been too long for me to feel this nagging pain and sense of loneliness. I constantly remind myself that life is too short to give up my days to this hurt anymore, just as I remind myself that there are countless tragedies going on in the world and what I’m going through is incomparable. But I just can’t help it. My brain tells me one thing, but all my emotions keep me from putting things in perspective.
I think I do it to myself. Some part of me wants me to wallow. I don’t know why. I don’t want to detach myself from it because it’s like proving that it’s really over, when it really has been over for quite some time. My heart’s not really in it. When you’re sad, the sadness is comforting and happiness is elusive. But at the same time, I’ve been very happy these past few weeks. It’s just those times when I walk down the streets by myself, sit at my desk alone, lie in bed in the darkness that I think about all that could have been. Though I know that this situation is for the best, I wish it weren’t.

I guess I’ll never know…

Sometimes it’s hard to tell
If there’s a life behind a song
But I know tomorrow
Today won’t feel so long
- Grace Potter and the Nocturnals

It’s hard to blog these days. I’m so…irregular at it. It’s times like these I wish people still used Xanga. Everyone wrote entries and it showed up in everyone’s subscriptions, and I would just go down the long subscription email and comment on the interesting ones. Facebook has kind of replaced it, but nobody writes anymore, except on walls, and that’s just not the same as genuine journal entries. So I’m rusty at this. And have been for a few years. Did life get in the way? But journals are supposed to be about life.

…Anyway, I don’t want to look back and have no written record of my fast-fading youth (I know I just insulted a bunch of ‘old’ people). But I’ve never liked to force a few dry sentences out of myself for reference, which is kind of what I’m doing now.

It’s rainy. The rain falls in flickers outside my window. It looks light, but even the lightest rain is pervasive. The sky is hazy, periwinkle blue and gray, and the Ithacan hills look cottony in the distance.
I’m a contained mess. I like to pretend that everything’s okay, and sometimes I just want to scream and tell the whole world I’m unhappy in my self-indulgent way.
Is the truth overrated? I want to be genuine, but everyone’s truth is different. The truth can be constructed. The truth wavers for humans.
It’s still summer, but it feels like a southern winter.