Soliloqui

It’s almost like you had it planned
It’s like you smiled and shook my hand and said
“Hey, I’m about to screw you over, big time”

It’s how you wanted it to be
It’s like you played a joke on me
And I lost a friend in the end
And I think that I cried for days
But now that seems light years away
And I’m never going back
To who I was

- MoZella

Sometimes I feel like it’s been too long for me to feel this nagging pain and sense of loneliness. I constantly remind myself that life is too short to give up my days to this hurt anymore, just as I remind myself that there are countless tragedies going on in the world and what I’m going through is incomparable. But I just can’t help it. My brain tells me one thing, but all my emotions keep me from putting things in perspective.
I think I do it to myself. Some part of me wants me to wallow. I don’t know why. I don’t want to detach myself from it because it’s like proving that it’s really over, when it really has been over for quite some time. My heart’s not really in it. When you’re sad, the sadness is comforting and happiness is elusive. But at the same time, I’ve been very happy these past few weeks. It’s just those times when I walk down the streets by myself, sit at my desk alone, lie in bed in the darkness that I think about all that could have been. Though I know that this situation is for the best, I wish it weren’t.