Soliloqui

I guess I’ll never know…

Sometimes it’s hard to tell
If there’s a life behind a song
But I know tomorrow
Today won’t feel so long
- Grace Potter and the Nocturnals

It’s hard to blog these days. I’m so…irregular at it. It’s times like these I wish people still used Xanga. Everyone wrote entries and it showed up in everyone’s subscriptions, and I would just go down the long subscription email and comment on the interesting ones. Facebook has kind of replaced it, but nobody writes anymore, except on walls, and that’s just not the same as genuine journal entries. So I’m rusty at this. And have been for a few years. Did life get in the way? But journals are supposed to be about life.

…Anyway, I don’t want to look back and have no written record of my fast-fading youth (I know I just insulted a bunch of ‘old’ people). But I’ve never liked to force a few dry sentences out of myself for reference, which is kind of what I’m doing now.

It’s rainy. The rain falls in flickers outside my window. It looks light, but even the lightest rain is pervasive. The sky is hazy, periwinkle blue and gray, and the Ithacan hills look cottony in the distance.
I’m a contained mess. I like to pretend that everything’s okay, and sometimes I just want to scream and tell the whole world I’m unhappy in my self-indulgent way.
Is the truth overrated? I want to be genuine, but everyone’s truth is different. The truth can be constructed. The truth wavers for humans.
It’s still summer, but it feels like a southern winter.

Leftovers
Seeing Me Naked
The Diving Pool
The Last Summer of You and Me
Twilight
some other books i don’t remember anymore

i’ve created a lot blogs over the years, and i’ve decided to slowly and gradually compile them in the same place, and what better place than here. the only exception i have is the xanga, because that’s just a bit too much.

some notes:
absenceofcolor - first livejournal, started off with good intentions, faded away, neglected, came back for a tiny, brief period as animanga blog which quickly died as well.
reverie - first blog created on my first domain, silent-mist.com (forevermore defunct) powered by b2.
silent-mist.com - used wordpress on the index after deciding b2 was just not cool.

i feel old, and at the same time i can only think, “where has the time gone?”

p.s. most of my entries just make me look really stupid and annoying, so yes i am embarrassed to be reposting them but i guess i can’t deny that those days once existed, can i? it’s nice to see the progression i suppose. or maybe i haven’t changed. who knows. all i know is that some of this old stuff is painful to get through.

p.p.s. sadly, i have a lot of missing entries because i lost backups of some old entries at silent-mist.com and i used to blog at philosophy.nu but it shut down before i could retrieve my entries. i also used to delete my entries at xanga regularly to make the site look cleaner (i obviously did not realize the beauty of just privatizing the entries until much later). so a lot of the stuff i’ve written has gotten sucked into the black hole of cyberspace. however, i’m happy with whatever i can salvage, though it is a shame i can’t have it all.