Note: I wrote this entry a really long time ago (like months and months and months ago) but I don’t remember when exactly and I never posted it because it was never really finished. It’s still not “finished” but whatever, I’m taking it out of hiding. Just thought I’d mention that it was written way before it was posted.
Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Just walk away, ain’t no use defending words that you will never say
And now that I’m sitting here thinking it through
I’ve never been anywhere cold as you
This entry is dedicated to someone. Kind of. Not really. After all this time putting all the blame on myself, I’m also past putting the blame on you. I can be mature about this. Bygones.
So today I wanted to talk about an issue near and dear to my heart. And that is the issue of “You’re so cold,” directed to me.
Before you start rolling your eyes and dismissing my every sentence hereinafter with a simple, “You are cold. Don’t deny it,” tell me this: Have you never met a single honest person in your life? I mean, what use is sugarcoating the goddamn truth?
Anyway, let’s backtrack. Many people have told me that I’m a cold person. I know I go along with it sometimes and admit to it, but the fact of the matter is it really upsets me. I don’t want that reputation, and it’s like everything I work for just smacks me right back in the face. I believe myself to be a very sympathetic/empathetic person and I despise making people feel bad for my own gain. And yet, I seem to come off cold.
Maybe I’m just not working hard enough at this “nice” thing. And when I say that it sounds like I just want to be fake nice. But I’m not. It’s just that, I once asked my Xanga audience if a mean person decides they want to be nice, would they be acting fake and going against their nature? I received some insightful yet mostly irrelevant answers. I think that being nice can be inherent in personality, but at the same time some part of it is also very voluntary. So perhaps I just need to be more conscious of what I say/do to people.
There are situations, however, when I admit I do act cold, involuntarily. It’s like a quick reaction to things that people do. My body automatically assumes a “hurt others; don’t be the one to get hurt” stance. All my life I’ve been easily offended, small gestures hurt me disproportionately.
I care too much about what people think of me, so I just express no emotion so I don’t come off as stupid, clueless, or ridiculous. I hate people seeing me as too happy or too sad or too mad, depending on the situation, depending on whether my reaction shows myself in an immature or too predictable way. Being “cold” is just a cheap way for me to avoid embarrassing situations. I just really hate people seeing me as vulnerable or so easily susceptible to human follies. I do it so people don’t see me as easy to take advantage of. When I was younger I was afraid of being a doormat and I worried that I couldn’t fend for myself in society. I think through my experiences I overcompensated and developed too hard an exterior. And yet, this is to some extent still a facade. I’m still that overly sensitive girl I always was. But I guess I’m able to block some things out now as well.
Sorry if this entry sounds self-indulgent. It may seem like I’ve got everything figured out, but really all these entries are just me trying to find things out as I go along. The more I write, the more I can try to make sense of all these thoughts in my head. I guess it’s stupid to post it up for the world to see, my faulty train of thought, but I figure it can’t hurt anyway. It at least makes me look like a dedicated blogger hah.