Soliloqui

Christine — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 07:17:58 +0000

sometimes i don’t know what’s wrong with me. i wallow in misery over the smallest things and knowing this doesn’t make me feel better. it’s so easy to put a word on something. it makes you think you can handle it. but you can’t cover it up with a label. it doesn’t fix anything, it doesn’t make it better, it doesn’t make it more palatable, it doesn’t make you feel like it’s not a big deal because someone’s been through it before and now there’s a word for it and there must be a solution since it can be identified. that would be easy. but it’s not like that.

the tap of the light switch,
the jiggle of the eyeglasses as she removes them in the darkness.
good night.

for winter, with love

Christine — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 23:03:06 +0000

for winter, with love

the chill of the floorboards on bare feet,
the after-shower shiver,
the daybreak frost fades to dew

the cloudless cyan canvas, cold glaring sun-
lies!
my opaque breath, my hardened cheeks don’t
lie
but i take it in, this
precious painting

orange – to – blue
photoshopped gradient backdrops
behind spiny silhouettes of
suburban forests

i lie in hardened blades of grass,
face towards the slate and stars,
burning wood and ice in the wind

rain

Christine — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 01:01:40 +0000

Even the gentlest rain is a sea of furious crack-ups and mutations. Similarly, we appear to be whole, even serene in our abundantly calm moments, but like the shape of rain, we are a deluge of small processes, interactions, and relations, changing by the nanosecond, yet somehow holding a fragile sense of self intact. -Diane Ackerman, Dawn Light

Things to Tell My 15 Year Old Self

Christine — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 01:22:42 +0000

I would tell her, instead of spending so much time over-thinking about your life, go out and live it. It’s good to observe, think, and philosophize, but what’s the point if you don’t know what the world feels like?
I feel like I’m spending my older years making up for everything I didn’t do in high school.

In other news, this winter I have retreated into the world of stories. Stories by way of novels and films, courtesy of my beloved local library.
I love ‘free’ stuff (i.e. covered by taxes).

Truths

Christine — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 06:21:01 +0000

If I don’t leave my mark upon this world, then I am gone.

word

Christine — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 06:35:02 +0000

There’s something about writing, something about its permanence that makes me constantly regard it as a solace whenever I feel obsolete, empty, useless, wasteful.

Winter ‘09-’10 Booklist

Christine — Sun, 03 Jan 2010 20:23:30 +0000

1. A Change in Altitude by Anita Shreve – depressing yet unmoving.
2. The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown – page-turner but disappointingly anticlimactic.
3. The Last Song by Nicholas Sparks – appeals to young teens/lovers of melodrama.

i am resolute.

Christine — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 16:34:52 +0000

yes. i am doing them.

1. play wii fit once a day.
2. don’t eat outside of meals (except sunday).
3. sleep before 1 am.
4. go to sunday service.
5. be awesome.

okay. go.

habits

Christine — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 02:51:31 +0000

today i will not sleep at 4am. repeat.

nothing quite interests me recently. i feel like i’m being targeted by those antidepressant medication commercials that ask questions like, “do the things you used to love no longer interest you anymore? that could be a sign of depression…”
i am a quite passionless person, but i’ve been feeling even more -meh- than usual. i’m not really fired up about anything, and i don’t find anything very interesting or awesome or mindblowing. i’m hoping it will blow over but it’s been like this for a while. maybe i have seasonal affective disorder haha. ship me off to asia please. i’m sure it will be cured immediately.

ho ho ho

Christine — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 07:04:45 +0000

christmas is over. the anticipation didn’t live up to the actual event, but that’s the thing with growing older. i hate it. it’s not about getting the gifts you want, which is materialistic and overly demanding, but more about the christmas spirit. i just wasn’t feeling it. i want to revel in innocent, unadulterated joy, but it grows more difficult as the years go by. watching “a charlie brown christmas” made me feel better though.
unmet expectations really suck. it’s cliche but it really is so true. there are no absolutes, only perceptions of reality. and expectations, whether surpassed or failed.
i appreciate the christmases i have though. i don’t want to fall into an ungrateful rut. i don’t know how many families have such a longstanding tradition as we have, but i’m glad it is always celebrated with all my cousins as per usual and that opening gifts is always the same ruckus that it has been since i can remember.
and now we have the new years. i love new beginnings, a chance to start over. that’s why i love the beginning of every semester, loved buying new supplies when i was younger, love new notebooks, new computers (well that doesn’t happen often but still), not because of newly having it, but the prospect of something amazing happening. like, this time it will be different. i know it is just a human-created phenomenon that makes us feel better about our crappy moments, but i want to have that feeling of a fresh start nonetheless. i don’t mind such a harmless human construct. i still want to believe that a new year means something different, something better. i struggle between being defiant and not setting resolutions because they only make me feel good for a few days until i break them, or making them anyway just to see what i can do with it, see what happens. again, what’s the harm? i guess i’ll ponder that in the following days…

happy holidays everyone :] everyone needs a little more happiness. i don’t believe in too much of a good thing. especially if it’s happiness.